Humor : “Metrosexual” in Uniform

Vikram Karve
9 min readJan 6, 2025

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METROSEXUAL IN UNIFORM

Unforgettable Memories of my IAT Girinagar Days

Story By Vikram Karve

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METROSEXUAL

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Meaning of the word “Metrosexual” :

A usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes

Ref: (merriam-webster)

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HOW TO RUN A CSD CANTEEN

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This happened 40 years ago — in the mid 1980’s — when I was a newly appointed “Directing Staff” (DS) on the faculty at IAT Pune.

I had barely settled down in my new job — when a paper landed on my table.

I had been appointed “Chairman” of the IAT CSD Canteen.

Though the title was “Chairman” — in actual fact — this was no great appointment.

This was a “bum job” — a sundry duty I had to do in addition to my primary job.

And — the high-sounding “Chairman” meant nothing — it was IAT parlance for what we in the Navy called “Officer-in-Charge”.

But — I was in “seventh heaven” — because I had never been appointed “Chairman” before.

Power went to my head — and I immediately decided to “take charge” — and “show off” my power of “command”.

I decided to pay an immediate visit to my new “empire”.

I summoned the Canteen Manager — an Army JCO (Junior Commissioned Officer).

I peremptorily ordered him to get the CSD Canteen opened for my visit.

“Sir — why don’t you come in the evening — when the canteen opens…?” he suggested politely.

“No. I want to take rounds of the canteen right now. And I want to speak to all the canteen staff…” I said firmly.

The Canteen Manager JCO remained silent.

So — I looked at the Canteen Manager JCO sternly and I spoke to him in a firm voice.

“Do you have any problems…?” I asked the Canteen Manager JCO giving him a tough look.

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“No Problems, Sir. I will summon the staff. We will be ready to receive you in 15 minutes…” the Canteen Manager JCO said to me.

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15 minutes later — when I reached the CSD Canteen — located in a dilapidated “Nissen Hut” — I found the motley canteen staff assembled there.

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A “Nissen Hut” is a prefabricated, semi-circular building made of corrugated iron and steel, with a concrete floor and a semicircular arching roof.

Major Peter Norman Nissen, a Canadian-American-British Engineer, invented the Nissen hut during World War I for military use.

Please see a picture of a “Nissen Hut” below (from internet) in which the inventor of the “Nissen Hut” Peter Nissen can be seen standing in front of a “Nissen Hut” at the left (circa 1917)

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Nissen Hut

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Sorry for the explanatory diversion.

Now — let me continue with the story.

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When I reached the CSD Canteen — located in a dilapidated “Nissen Hut” — I found the motley canteen staff assembled there.

The Canteen Manager JCO introduced them to me.

I gave them the usual “motivational” pep talk.

The Canteen Staff must have heard such “pep talks” ad nauseam from every incoming “Chairman”.

“Is there anything urgent…?” I asked the Canteen Manager JCO.

“Sir — the monthly demand has to go by tomorrow to the CSD depot. I have already prepared the demand list. I will get the demand list to your office for your signature in the afternoon. If you sign it today — I will send someone to the depot first thing in the morning tomorrow…” he said.

“Why bring it to my office…? I will sign the demand right now. That’s how we work in the Navy — we do things “right here and right now”…” I bullshitted the Canteen Manager JCO.

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The Canteen Manager JCO pulled out a huge list from the cupboard.

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I was taken aback on seeing the huge demand list — so I asked the Canteen Manager:

“Why have you made such a huge list…?

Is this a bloody military canteen or a fancy departmental store…?”

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The Canteen Manager did not say anything.

I started reading the list.

Then — I took out my pen from my pocket — and — I started striking out items from the list with strokes of my pen

“Sir — what are you doing…?” the JCO asked, looking alarmed.

“Why have you ordered so many “cosmetics”…?” I asked him.

“Cosmetics…? Sir…?” he asked, looking clueless.

“Hair Dye, Fairness Cream, Body Lotions, Beauty Soap, Lipstick, Nail Polish, Perfumes…? What the hell is all this for…?” I thundered.

“Sir — these “beauty products” are in high demand…” the JCO said.

“Are you telling me that Soldiers are using “Fairness Creams”…? Are Soldiers colouring their hair with “Hair-Dye”…?” I shouted.

“Sir — some Officers…” the JCO mumbled.

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I looked at the JCO — and I said firmly to him in an imperative tone:

“All “FAUJIS” — yes — all “Faujis” — officers and soldiers — all “Faujis” are supposed to be tough masculine men.

We don’t want effeminate “metrosexuals” in the Defence Services — do you understand…?

Military Men are not supposed to use makeup or cosmetics.

Is that clear…?”

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I looked at the JCO with a determined stare to drive home my point.

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“Yes, Sir…” the JCO said, “but the ladies…”

“Which ladies are you talking about…?” I asked the JCO.

“Sir — the “Memsahibs”…” the JCO said

“Oh — “Memsahibs” — “Faujans”…” I remarked.

“Yes, Sir…” the JCO said, looking confused.

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I shouted at the confused Canteen Manager JCO:

“Well — the same principle applies to Military Wives too…!!!

Do you understand…!!!

Both “Faujis” and “Faujans” are supposed to lead simple lives of “Thrift and Frugality”.

Didn’t I tell you before — this is a bloody “Military Canteen” — not a fancy “Beauty Store”…”

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I continued to strike off all the “cosmetic” items from the list — while the Canteen Manager Army JCO watched on attentively.

Suddenly — he spoke with a bit of panic in his voice.

“Sir — Sir — why have you removed “Hair Fixer” from the demand list…?” the Army JCO said, looking alarmed.

“Isn’t “hair fixer” a cosmetic…?” I asked.

“No, Sir — “hair fixer” is like a wax — Sir — to put on your beard — so you can tie it up…” the JCO said to me.

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I stroked my handsome full-set Navy beard — and I said to the Army JCO:

“Look at me — I have a proper full-set flowing beard — I never use “hair fixer” — and — I don’t tie up my beard…”

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“Sir — you are in the Navy. In the Army…” the JCO stammered, looking anxious.

He had a point.

Whereas — in the Navy — we kept our excellent beards free-flowing — in the Army and Air Force — servicemen who were allowed to keep beards — they seemed to tie up their beards in some sort of “Net”.

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So — in the spirit of “jointmanship” and “inter-service camaraderie” — I said to the Canteen JCO:

“Okay, okay — if you feel “hair fixer” is essential — let “hair fixer” be there on the list…”

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“Thank you, Sir…” the JCO said, looking relieved.

I observed that the CSD canteen staff was looking at me.

I believe in “participative” management.

So — I decided to involve all the canteen staff.

I gave the list to the Canteen Manager.

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Then — I said to all my canteen staff:

“Come on — all of you — go through the demand list and strike out all cosmetics and beauty products — and also remove all items which are not essential.

We should have just one type of every item.

For example — we should order just one brand of soap — which is essential for hygiene — soldiers have no need for beauty soaps — do you understand — just have one type of every item which is essential for “faujis” — preferably the cheapest item which “faujis” can afford — I want no fancy or luxury items in this canteen…”

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With these words of inspiration — I motivated the canteen staff to do the job.

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Everyone used their initiative — and “non-essential” items were ruthlessly struck off the list with a vengeance — till the demand was reduced to just one page.

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“Sir — what about the “beauty products” we already have stocked in the canteen…? Should we throw them out and write them off…?” a highly motivated “Fauji Johnnie” asked me.

“No — we cannot throw out items in stock. So you can keep selling these cosmetics and beauty products till stocks last — but — there is to be no further procurement of “cosmetic items”…” I said.

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The stocks of “beauty products” did not last long.

The first “beauty product” to be “sold out” was “Hair Dye”.

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I came to know that “hair-dye” was “out-of-stock” during our customary mid-morning Tea Break.

A “Cavalry” Colonel with suspiciously black hair approached me.

The Colonel complained to me that there was no “Hair-Dye” in the CSD Canteen.

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I had never imagined that this “Cavalry” Colonel who strutted around with such a pompous swagger was actually a “Metrosexual” in Uniform.

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MORAL OF THE STORY

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Military CSD Canteens are primarily meant for “Faujis” (military-men and military-women) — and not for “Metrosexuals” and “Memsahibs”.

This is the fundamental rule for running a CSD Canteen.

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EPILOGUE

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During my Navy Days — most warships had a “Ship’s Barber” — and — Stone Frigates (Naval Shore Establishments) had a “Ship’s Barber Shop” — for our Navy Style Hair Cuts and Beard Trims.

Women Officers and Sailors are posted on Ships in many Navies of the world and many of these ships have long deployments at sea…?

Can someone tell me whether ships of such Foreign Navies — which have women in the crew — do these ships have a “Ship’s Beautician” (equivalent of “Ship’s Barber”)…?

In Indian Navy — women are not posted to sea — but — only to “Stone Frigates” (Shore Establishments).

(I understand that women are posted on some select ships now)

Do Stone Frigates and Warships have “Ship’s Beauty Parlour/Salon” for the women crew on the lines of “Ship’s Barber Shop” for the men…?

Wonder what Female “Pongos” do when they are posted to remote field locations…?

Do Army Units have a “Unit Beautician” in addition to the “Unit Barber”…?

What about Military and Navy Training Academies like NDA IMA OTA Naval Academy Air Force Academy etc…?

Will some enlightened Veteran be so good as to throw some light on this issue…?

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Meanwhile — do look around and tell us if you observe any “metrosexuals” in uniform.

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

  1. This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
  3. E&OE

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/06/humor-in-uniform-military-metrosexual.html

This is a Revised Version of my article METROSEXUAL SOLDIER written by me on Feb 20, 2015 and posted online in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/humor-in-uniform-metrosexual-soldier.html and later on May 17, 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/should-soldiers-use-cosmetics.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/metrosexual-in-uniform-military-humor.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/humor-in-uniform-new-age-metrosexual.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/metrosexuals-in-uniform.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/05/07/metrosexual-in-uniform/ and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-metrosexuals-in-uniform.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/03/26/humor-metrosexuals-in-uniform/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/06/21/metrosexuals-in-uniform/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/09/28/21882/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/09/07/humor-metrosexual-in-uniform/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2024/03/14/humor-in-uniform-the-metrosexual/ etc

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

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Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve

Written by Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, alumnus IIT Delhi, Lawrence School Lovedale, Vikram Karve is a retired Navy Officer turned full time Writer and Blogger

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