Humor in Uniform : Story from My Navy Days

Vikram Karve

14 min readJun 15, 2024

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THE “INDISPENSABLE” ENGINEER

STORY BY VIKRAM KARVE

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PROLOGUE

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“FAIR WEATHER COMMANDERS” versus “FOUL WEATHER COMMANDERS”

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On a prominent place on my bookshelves — proudly stands one of my “ancient” books — a novel on the most famous Naval Mutiny — “Mutiny on the Bounty”

The book is titled CAPTAIN BLIGH AND MR. CHRISTIAN — the author is Richard Hough — a distinguished historian — who took a new fascinating and controversial look at the Mutiny.

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(The memorable 1984 Movie THE BOUNTY directed by Roger Donaldson and starring Mel Gibson and Anthony Hopkins is based on this book)

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In this book — the author comments:

Captain Bligh was an excellent “Foul Weather Commander”.

But — he was not as good as a “Fair Weather Commander”.

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Bligh was unsurpassed as a Captain in adversity — when the going was tough.

But — surprisingly — when the going was good — when things seemed to be going smoothly — he seemed “out of depth”.

During my Navy days — I too saw such hard taskmasters — tough “Sea Dogs” — who were excellent leaders in adverse circumstances and tough operational situations at sea.

But — these same tough “Sea Dogs” were not that adept at “peacetime soldiering” ashore — they hated pushing files in Headquarters and were misfits in shore based offices.

Here is a “memoir” involving one such tough “Sea Dog” Captain — the Commanding Officer of my first ship.

This story happened more than 46 years ago — in the 1970’s…

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THE “INDISPENSABLE” ENGINEER

Hilarious Memories of my Wonderful Navy Days

A Spoof By Vikram Karve

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This Story happened on a Frontline Warship

Circa 1978

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The Senior Engineer was going crazy.

The Senior Engineer was going crazy because his boss — the Engineer Officer — Commander (E) — he was refusing to give the Senior Engineer leave to attend his sister’s marriage.

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There were two Marine Engineering Officers on this frontline warship — a Frigate:

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1. The Engineer Officer — colloquially called “Commander (E)” — since he was of the rank of Commander — as the ship was the Squadron Ship

and

2. The “Senior Engineer Officer” (SEO) — colloquially called “Senior Engineer” or “Senior” — who was a young Lieutenant.

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“Senior” — as the Senior Engineer Officer was affectionately called — had not gone on leave for even a single day since he joined the ship almost six months ago.

At sea — there was no leave — since the ship was sailing — and the Senior Engineer was indispensable.

In harbour — Commander (E) denied leave to the hapless Senior Engineer on the pretext that there was repair and maintenance to be done.

At sea — while the Senior Engineer slogged below decks in the heat and grime of Engine Room in his overalls — the Commander (E) would sit in spotless whites playing bridge in the wardroom along with the other “unemployed” officers like “Pusser” (the Supply Officer), “Schoolie” (the “Education” Officer) and “Quack” (the Ship’s Doctor).

In harbour — the Commander (E) made Senior’s life hell by making him do all the tough and dirty work on board ship — while Commander (E) spent most of his time ashore networking with senior officers in the Headquarters to build his career and generally having a good time.

Commander (E) was a cruel man — a sadist.

A “pen-pusher” landlubber self-styled Marine Engineer who had spent most his naval career pushing files in Delhi — Commander (E) was always dressed in spotless whites and never wore the customary overalls which Engineers wore on board ships.

He spent most of his time in his cabin and in the wardroom.

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Wardroom is the term for the Navy Officers’ Mess on a Ship

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Some witty sailors joked that Commander (E) probably did not even know where the engine-room was located.

Commander (E) had come all the way from Delhi just to “earn” his all important “Sea ACR” — the vital performance appraisal report for his “criterion” sea appointment.

The moment one year sea-time was over — Commander (E) would be back at his comfortable desk in Delhi — and thanks to his first-rate Sea ACR — he would be wearing one more stripe on his shoulder.

And from then onwards — it would be smooth sailing — and it was just a matter of time before he became an Admiral.

Yes — once this crucial sea-time was over — he would “manage” everything.

Like all sadists — Commander (E) was a blustering braggart — a “gasbag” who put on an outward show of brashness — but the reality was that — deep inside — he was terribly insecure.

Commander (E) was insecure because he was professionally clueless.

In order to cover up his lack of technical knowledge — Commander (E) had made sure he was assigned a good Senior Engineer to do all the dirty work.

Commander (E) knew that all he had to do was to take charge of his of meek Senior Engineer so that everything ran smoothly.

This would ensure that Commander (E) got an excellent ACR which would clear his way for future promotions.

Now suddenly — the Senior Engineer wanted a few days leave to go home for an urgent domestic commitment.

And — there was this long sailing coming up.

Commander (E) dreaded sailing without the Senior Engineer — lest he be exposed if something went wrong.

In fact — Commander (E) refused to give leave to Senior in harbour too — as Commander (E) was afraid that his technical ignorance would be discovered by the Dockyard Officers.

“30 days leave…? On a frontline warship…? Are you crazy…?” bellowed Commander (E) when he saw Senior’s Leave Application.

“Sir — my sister’s marriage has been fixed. I just got a telegram yesterday…” the Senior Engineer said.

“But 30 days leave…?” Commander (E) said.

“Sir — I have to arrange everything. I am the only brother…” the Senior Engineer said.

“Bullshit. A Senior Engineer can’t be absent for a month….” Commander (E) said.

“Please, Sir. I have to be there for the marriage…” the Senior Engineer said.

“You just submit your leave application to me. I’ll see about what to do about it later. You go down to the Engine Room and get the ship ready for sailing. What happened to the defects on the boiler…?” Commander (E) said.

“Sir — Dockyard is working…” the Senior Engineer said.

“You should do it yourself — you bloody “shammer”…” Commander (E) said.

“Sir, but …” the Senior Engineer stammered.

“But…? What…? Don’t stand there looking lost — like a clueless clot — with your thumb in your bum — and your brain at neutral. Go and get on with your job…” the Commander (E) shouted at the Senior Engineer.

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The hapless Senior Engineer got on to the job — and got the ship ready for sea.

A few days later — after they returned from the Sea Sortie — the Senior Engineer asked Commander (E) about his leave application.

“All you can think about is your leave. Have you prepared the defect list…?” Commander (E) yelled.

“Defect list…? Which defect list…?” Senior asked Commander (E)

“The bloody refit defect list…” Commander (E) said.

“Sir — the refit is 6 months away…” the Senior Engineer said.

“So…? I want see the defect list first. Only after that will I look at your leave application…” Commander (E) said.

“Sir — it will take me at least one week to prepare the defect list…” the Senior Engineer said.

“So…? You do it…” Commander (E) said.

“Sir — I have to go on leave right now. My sister’s marriage is next week…” the Senior Engineer said.

“What do you mean you “have to” go on leave…? You bloody impertinent bastard. This is the bloody Navy. In the Navy — “Leave is a Privilege” — “Leave is not a Right” — Do you understand…? In any case — there is no chance of any leave for you right now. I have just come to know that there is an important sailing coming up. So just bugger off and get on with your job…” Commander (E) scolded the Senior Engineer.

“Sir — Please — Sir. Try to understand. How can I be missing from my sister’s wedding…?” the senior Engineer pleaded.

“That’s your problem. You should have thought about all that before you joined the Navy. That’s the problem with you “dope-entry” chaps — you buggers are civilians in uniform…” Commander (E) mocked the Senior Engineer.

“Sir, I want to see the Captain…” the Senior Engineer said.

“You’ll see my bloody arse. Now — you get out of here — go to the Engine Room and get on with your job…” Commander (E) thundered.

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Senior Engineer did not go to the Engine Room.

He went straight to the Wardroom.

He needed to talk to someone.

He saw “Guns” — the Gunnery Officer — sitting in the Wardroom.

It was only 11 o’clock — but Guns already had a glass in his hand.

On Saturdays — the bar opened at 12 Noon — but “Guns” had such a formidable fearsome personality — that no steward would dare to refuse him a drink — whatever the time of the day or night.

Just the previous evening — “Guns” had ordered the ship’s barber to shave off the Gangway Quartermaster’s moustache for being slack on duty.

In fact “Guns” had half the moustache of the terrified Gangway Quartermaster shaved off in public near the gangway.

Sailors were petrified of “Guns” — and even most officers steered clear of him.

As per his usual style — “Guns” was drinking rum.

A bottle of rum — an ice box — and a jug of water were placed on the table before him.

On seeing the Senior Engineer enter the wardroom — “Guns” said to the Senior Engineer:

“Come, Senior — have a drink…”

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(As I told you — the Senior Engineer Officer was affectionately called “Senior”)

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Senior liked “Guns”.

Though “Guns” was a fearsome tyrant — he had somehow taken a liking to the rather docile Senior Engineer.

The steward was alert.

When “Guns” was around — sailors were on their toes.

He knew Senior’s drink.

A glass of beer was placed before Senior.

“Sir — today — I am thinking of having rum…” Senior stammered.

“That’s good — bloody good…!!! So you are becoming a true-blue sea-dog. Here — take the bottle — and pour some rum into your beer — don’t worry — rum and beer — no fear…!!!” Guns said.

Senior took a big gulp of beer.

Then he topped up the glass with rum.

He swirled the glass to let the beer and rum mix properly — and then he took a huge gulp of the concoction — “down the hatch”.

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Guns looked at Senior curiously — and said:

“Come on, Senior — get it off your chest.”

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The Senior Engineer said:

“Sir — Commander (E) is not giving me leave for my sister’s marriage…”

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Guns looked at the Senior Engineer — and tried to assuage the Senior Engineer.

“I know about your case. Commander (E) was boasting to the XO about it — your Commander (E) was telling the XO how he was screwing the hell out of you. Both of them are bastards. They are hand-in-glove. So you can forget about your leave…” Guns said.

“Sir — but I have to go for my sister’s marriage…” the Senior Engineer said.

“Then skip…” Guns said.

“Skip…?” the Senior Engineer asked Guns.

“Just pack your bags and push off…” Guns said.

“Sir — you are telling me to break ship — to go AWOL — Absent Without Official Leave…? Sir — I will be marked “Run” — and then — I will be caught and I will be punished…” the Senior Engineer said — with fear in his voice

“So what…? You take the punishment like a man. You have to decide your priorities for yourself. You decide what is more important for you — attending your sister’s marriage — or cowering before that bloody Commander (E)…” Guns said.

“Sir — I am feeling scared…” the Senior Engineer said.

“Don’t worry. Have some more Rum — it will give you “Dutch-Courage” …!!! Come on, Senior — drink up…!!!” the Gunnery Officer “Guns” said — and he topped up Senior’s glass with neat rum.

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Senior took a big gulp of rum.

He felt better — a bit high — the cobwebs in his head began to clear.

The Senior Engineer kept drinking neat rum — and began feeling better and better — as the increasing amount of alcohol in his veins raised his spirits.

After an hour or so — it was almost 12 noon.

The Wardroom Mess Secretary — the Ship’s Signal Communications Officer (SCO) — he arrived in the wardroom to make arrangements for the Saturday afternoon Pre-Lunch Drinks (PLD).

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Suddenly — Commander (E) barged into to wardroom.

He was stunned to see his Senior Engineer sitting in the wardroom with a glass of rum in his hand — drinking away to glory.

“What the hell are you doing here…? Just go down to the engine-room right now. That’s a bloody order. And there is no liberty for you till further orders…” Commander (E) shouted at Senior in anger.

“Screw your liberty — I am going on leave…” Senior Engineer slurred drunkenly.

On hearing these defiant words from his normally docile subordinate — for a moment — Commander (E) was dumbstruck.

Then — Commander (E) recovered his wits — and he shouted at Senior Engineer in a threatening manner.

“If you don’t go to the engine-room right now — I will have you arrested and locked up…” the Commander (E) warned the Senior Engineer.

For some moments there was silence — a grotesque silence.

Then — the Senior Engineer looked menacingly at the Commander (E) and spoke in a loud voice.

“You go and take a “hop”…” the Senior Engineer said mockingly to Commander (E).

The Senior Engineer was in “full form” after drinking a copious amount of neat rum — the alcohol in his veins was giving him “Dutch Courage” and making him feel braver and braver — and he was freely venting out all his anger and shouting at the Commander (E).

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Seeing the situation going out of control — the SCO quietly left the wardroom.

Things were turning nasty — and the SCO did not want to be a witness to the fracas.

Besides — he had to inform the Captain immediately — because — like all SCOs on ships — he was the Captain’s “Spy” in the Wardroom.

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By the time the Captain came down to the wardroom — the situation had blown up — and Senior Engineer was seen moving towards Commander (E) in a menacing manner.

The Senior Engineer was waving the empty bottle of rum dangerously at Commander (E).

“Guns” was trying to restrain the Senior Engineer.

“Stop it…” the Captain shouted in his commanding voice, “What the hell is going on…?”

“Sir — Commander (E) is not giving me leave for my sister’s marriage…” Senior Engineer said — looking at the Captain.

“I know…” the Captain said.

“Sir — that’s not true. I want this insubordinate officer punished…” Commander (E) said to the Captain.

“We will see about that later. First — you tell me why are you not giving your Senior Engineer leave to attend his sister’s marriage…?” the Captain asked Commander (E).

“Sir — there is a sailing programme…” Commander (E) said.

“So…? Is he indispensable…? Suppose he drops dead tomorrow — what will you do…? It will take at least a month to get a relief Senior Engineer. Are you telling me that the ship cannot sail if there is no Senior Engineer…? Just tell me — what the hell are you doing on board this ship as Engineer Officer…?” the Captain said sternly to Commander (E).

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There was silence in the wardroom.

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The Captain looked at Commander (E) — and said to him in a firm voice:

“Now you listen carefully — Commander (E).

I am approving one leave application today — either Senior’s — or yours.

You decide who is more indispensable — you — or your Senior Engineer.

Either — he goes on leave — or — you go on leave…”

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A few hours later — Senior Engineer was seen crossing the ship’s gangway — with a bag on his shoulder — on his way home — on a month’s leave — to attend his sister’s marriage.

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The “Technical Incompetence” of Commander (E) was thoroughly exposed during the sailing.

In fact — the Engine Room Artificers (ERAs) created false alarms from time to time — and they made sure that Commander (E) was in a tizzy.

In due course — the and Engine-Room Sailors had really put Commander (E) in a “spin”.

The Engine-Room Sailors liked Senior Engineer — so — they wanted to teach Commander (E) a lesson for treating Senior so shabbily.

For the entire sailing — by creating one “defect” after another — the Engine-Room Sailors kept Commander (E) in a state of confusion, anxiety and panic — resulting in the clueless Commander (E) being frequently summoned to the bridge by the Captain — who bullshitted the hell out of the Commander (E) for the frequent “defects”.

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When Senior Engineer returned from leave — the Captain summoned him to his cabin.

“We had a lot of problems during the last sailing…” the Captain said.

“I know, Sir. My ERAs told me. But Sir — you don’t worry. I will get everything ship-shape…” Senior said.

“That’s good…” the Captain said.

“May I go, Sir…?” Senior asked permission to leave.

The Captain looked at Senior Engineer for some time.

Then — the Captain said to the Senior Engineer:

“There is one more thing. Your Commander (E) has had a very rough time and he needs some rest. I am thinking of sending Commander (E) on long leave. Can you manage on your own…?”

“Of course — I can manage the Engine-Room Department on my own. Please send Commander (E) on long leave. Captain Sir — “nobody is indispensable”…” Senior Engineer said, tongue-in-cheek.

“Yes. Nobody is indispensable…” the Captain laughed, “No one is indispensable…”

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VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story is a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

3. E&O

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

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Humor in Uniform : Story from My Navy Days

Written by Vikram Karve