Humor in Uniform : Jaundice “Lockdown”

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“JAUNDICE LOCKDOWN”

Story from My Mumbai Navy Days by Vikram Karve

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Dear Reader:

Three years have passed — and it may seem a distant memory — but — I am sure you remember your experiences in the “COVID Lockdown” — during the COVID Pandemic in 2020 and 2021.

But — do you know that we had a “Jaundice Lockdown” during my early Navy Days around 47 years ago in the 1970’s…?

The COVID Lockdown was imposed everywhere — for all citizens — since the Corona Virus Pandemic was proliferating worldwide.

However — the Jaundice Lockdown was imposed only for Navy Personnel — and that too — only in Mumbai — since the Jaundice Epidemic was rather localised.

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Here is the story of the “Jaundice Lockdown”…

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JAUNDICE PHOBIA

Spoof By Vikram Karve

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THE “JAUNDICED” NAVY

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Mumbai (then called Bombay) — circa 1970’s

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Sometime in the 1970’s — there was an outbreak of jaundice in Mumbai.

Jaundice is quite a debilitating disease.

The rampant spread of Jaundice started badly affecting the Navy.

Soon — this outbreak of Jaundice assumed almost epidemic proportions.

Large numbers of Naval Officers and Sailors on ships were getting afflicted by the dreaded disease Jaundice.

Special “Jaundice Wards” were opened in the Naval Hospital.

Some ships were down to half-strength.

The Navy had become “Jaundiced” — nice and proper.

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JAUNDICE PHOBIA

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WHY SAILORS WERE SCARED OF JAUNDICE

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A bout of Jaundice meant at least two or three weeks in Hospital — till your “Bilirubin Levels” came down.

This was followed by a month of sick leave at home.

Then — after your sick leave was over — you went back to hospital.

This was for checking your medical fitness level for sea and operational duties.

This sometimes entailed a downward “Re-Categorization” of your Medical Category.

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And — finally — the worst consequence of Jaundice:

“NO ALCOHOL” for at least Six Months

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More than the illness due to jaundice — it was this “fear of total abstinence from alcohol” for six months — that was most scary for sailors.

Sailors love to drink — especially Rum — “Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum” — as they say.

The prospect of having to spend six months without a drop of alcohol after a bout of jaundice — this was unimaginable for most sailors — for whom drinking was the most important attraction in life.

This “fear” resulted in a drinking spree.

Everyone was mortified of getting jaundice — especially the hard drinking lovers of Bacchus.

Today — it may seem laughable.

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But — in those morbid days — the thinking was:

If you cannot drink alcohol after you get jaundice — you might as well drink plenty of alcohol before you got jaundice.

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Crazy Logic — isn’t it…?

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BINGE DRINKING DUE TO FEAR OF JAUNDICE

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There was terrible “Jaundice Phobia” — or — “Fear of Jaundice”.

Everyone was certain that he would be afflicted by jaundice — sooner or later — it was only a matter of time — so there was an environment of “Fear of Jaundice” — and consequent fear of forced “teetotalism” due to total ban on drinking for at least 6 months after the bout of jaundice.

Yes — this fear of being banned from drinking alcohol after you got jaundice — this resulted in everyone “topping up” with alcohol and drinking to the hilt every evening — before they got the dreaded jaundice.

So — on Ships — every Naval Officer was downing peg after peg of Whisky — consuming enormous amounts of alcohol every evening — as if it was the last day of his life.

It was the same with Sailors — who were drinking away to glory in Sailors’ Home at the Cooperage.

It was the last opportunity to drink to your heart’s content — till the dreaded scourge of jaundice got hold of you in its clutches.

So — you could see Ships’ Wardrooms full of Officers on “drinking binges” till they passed out dead drunk.

And — Sailors were drinking enormous amounts of Rum in Sailors’ Home — till they fell into drunken stupor.

Everyone was drinking away as if it was their last drinking day — before they were struck down by jaundice and carted away to hospital — followed by many months of ban on alcohol.

The biggest joke that was most of these heavy drinkers did not get affected by jaundice — but they landed up becoming “alcohol dependent” instead.

The “powers-that-be” panicked at the increasing number of jaundice cases heading for hospitalization every day — and the consequent depletion of crew on ships.

Force levels were falling rapidly in the “Jaundiced Navy”.

It was a precarious situation — and if this jaundice induced exodus continued — there would be no Officers and Sailors left to man the ships.

So — it was decided to take some drastic measures.

The first “anti-jaundice measure” was the promulgation of “Jaundice Orders”.

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JAUNDICE ORDERS

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The “powers-that-be” thought that the reason for this jaundice epidemic was because Naval Officers and Sailors were eating unhygienic jaundice-infected food outside in Mumbai City when they went ashore on liberty.

So:

Two “Jaundice Orders” were promulgated:

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1. All Food Joints, Restaurants, Eateries, Cafes in Mumbai were declared “out of bounds” for Navy Officers and Sailors.

2. Shore Leave (Liberty) would now be in Uniform till further orders.

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(Yes — all Naval Officers and Sailors had to wear White Uniform Dress № 8A at all times — even when on Liberty ashore in civilian areas)

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The reason for Order № 2 — on wearing Navy Uniform in civilian areas — was to ensure that any defaulter Naval Officer or Sailor entering a restaurant or eating outside was instantly spotted by the Navy Shore Patrol — to be rounded up — arrested — and put on disciplinary charge.

Yes — in order to implement this preventive measure — special “Jaundice Shore Patrols” were sent out on the streets of Mumbai — especially to those foodie areas, Khau Gallies and eateries frequented by Navy Sailors.

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“JAUNDICE SHORE PATROL”

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On the very first day — a hilarious incident occurred involving the “jaundice shore patrol” from our ship — a frontline warship.

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The Fleet Commander personally spotted the “Jaundice Shore Patrol” from our ship drinking “sugarcane juice” at a most unhygienic Sugarcane Juice Stall right opposite the Naval Dockyard Lion Gate.

The smartly dressed “Jaundice Shore Patrol” consisted of Two Sailors from our ship — the sailors were dressed up in resplendent full dress Navy 8A white uniform — with batons and brassard armlets.

The Two Sailors comprising the “Jaundice Shore Patrol” were promptly arrested by the Naval Police — and handed over to the ship for necessary disciplinary action.

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On being questioned — the shamefaced sailors pleaded that someone had told them that:

“Drinking Sugarcane Juice prevented jaundice…”

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So — the “jaundice shore patrol” sailors had decided to fortify themselves with “sugarcane juice” — before they headed for patrolling in the jaundice-infected areas.

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There was a severe shortage of sailors since half the sailors were admitted in hospital with jaundice.

So — the wayward shore patrol was not punished severely — but the two sailors were let off with a warning — and awarded a few extra shore patrol duties as punishment.

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The next evening — instead of drinking “sugarcane juice” at the roadside stall — the “jaundice shore patrol” was found drinking “Rum” in the Sailors’ Home at Cooperage.

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But then — the Sailors’ Home was not “out of bounds”.

Maybe — like us Officers — the “fear of jaundice” was driving Sailors to drink alcohol to their heart’s content.

Yes — it seemed that — like us Officers — “Jaundice Phobia” was affecting Sailors too.

So — we took a lenient view — and we looked the other way.

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“BREAKING BOUNDS” — FOR EATING OUT

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JAUNDICE and “BANANA SPLIT” ICE CREAM

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After a few days — we Officers were fed up of eating the Wardroom Mess Food on board our frontline warship.

So — we decided to venture out to enjoy the culinary delights the city of Mumbai had to offer.

Parading smartly in White Navy Uniform in the “out of bounds” Foodie Areas of Mumbai was unthinkable — we were sure to be spotted and caught red-handed.

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So — we adopted a simple modus operandi.

We carried a bag containing civilian clothes with us — as we crossed the gangway of our ship in Navy White № 8A Uniform — and we stepped ashore.

After leaving our ship — we smartly walked out of the Naval Dockyard Lion Gate — wearing spotless white Navy uniform.

Then — we headed to the nearby Jehangir Art Gallery in Kalaghoda.

Here — we would enter the well-appointed washrooms — and change from uniform to civilian clothes.

As I told you — we carried “air-bags” for carrying our clothes.

First — we carried “civvies” in the “air-bags”.

And then — after changing into “civvies” — we put our № 8A white uniform in our bags.

Then — in our civilian clothes — hoping that shore patrols wouldn’t recognize us — we would venture out to enjoy the foodie delights that Mumbai had to offer.

On the way back we would change back from civilian clothes into uniform using the change-rooms at the Taj — or some suitable hotel — and return back to our ships smartly dressed in white Navy 8A uniform.

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We successfully did this for a few days.

One evening — after a movie at Eros — followed by a hearty meal at Gaylord Restaurant in Churchgate — we were enjoying a stroll on Marine Drive.

After a refreshing stroll in the sea breeze on Marine Drive admiring the “flora and fauna” — we decided to end the day with some delicious Ice Cream at our favourite “Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour” on Marine Drive.

Our plan was that — after enjoying our Ice Cream — we would use the change-rooms of the adjoining Natraj Hotel to change back into our Navy 8A uniform which we were carrying in our bags — and then — we would walk back in uniform to our ship.

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My friends wanted to eat “Ice Cream Cones”.

Being an insatiable “Foodie” — I wanted to eat something more substantial.

So — I ordered the “Signature Dish” of “Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour” — the inimitable “Yankee Doodle Banana Split”.

“Yankee Doodle Banana Split” consisted of three huge scoops of of ice-cream (flavours of your choice) — which were placed on a sweetened split banana — and topped up with yummy fruits and nuts — and then embellished with heavenly sweet creamy sauces.

This inimitable “Yankee Doodle Banana Split” ice cream was prepared at a special counter — and — it took some time to be assembled.

When my “Banana Split” ice cream was ready — I picked up the dish — and — I looked around for my shipmates.

But — I could not see them anywhere.

Maybe — they were taking a walk on Marine Drive — licking their Ice Cream Cones — while admiring “pretty young things”.

I decided to focus on my magnificent “Banana Split” Ice Cream.

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As I was about to dig into my delicious looking Ice Cream — I noticed that — standing bang in front of me — was our redoubtable “CAPTAIN”.

Yes — the Captain of my ship was standing in front of me.

He was looking at the bowl of “Banana Split” Ice Cream in my hand.

At first — I was terrified.

I had been caught red-handed at an “out of bounds” place — and that too — wearing civilian clothes — when I should have been in uniform.

I looked at my Captain.

He too was dressed in civilian clothes.

Then — I saw that he too was eating an Ice Cream — a “Chocolate Sundae”.

And — next to our Captain — stood his wife — relishing a “Mixed Fruit Sundae” Ice Cream.

I wished our Captain — and his wife.

The Captain and his wife smiled back.

We talked — but the conversation was strictly restricted to the topic of Ice Cream.

We — our Captain, his Wife and Me — we discussed the various exotic Ice Cream flavours you got all over Mumbai.

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On seeing the Captain — the other officers had disappeared and melted into the darkness.

My friends surfaced — only when the Captain and his wife had left “Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour”.

They anxiously asked me if the Captain had seen them — and I assured them that he had not seen them.

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So — only I was “up the gum tree” — in severe trouble.

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Next morning — when I saluted the Captain — he still had his formidable demeanor — but — there was a slight “twinkle” in his eyes.

He did not mention the previous evening’s encounter at “Yankee Doodle Ice Cream Parlour”.

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“JAUNDICE PHOBIA” CAUSES “ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE”

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I do not know whether it is true or not — but someone told me later — that — the outbreak of jaundice was due to contaminated drinking water — as a result of leaky sewage lines and cracked porous water pipes — and it was not due to infected food — which was initially suspected to be the cause of the jaundice epidemic.

And yes — I was lucky not to get jaundice during that epidemic.

But — the “jaundice epidemic” had a curious side-effect on me.

Thanks to the “Jaundice Epidemic” — like most Officers and Sailors in the Western Fleet — I too was overcome by “Jaundice Phobia”.

Yes — the “fear of jaundice” had resulted in me drinking heavily every evening to my heart’s content.

And — I ended up becoming “alcohol dependent” for sure.

Ha Ha — like many other fellow Naval Officers of the Western Fleet who survived the dreadful “Jaundice Epidemic” — “Jaundice Phobia” — or “Fear of Jaundice” — this resulted in me drinking huge quantities of Whisky or Rum — “full to the gills” — every evening.

And this heavy daily drinking made me “Alcohol Dependent” — a proper “Drunkard”.

By the way — it took me more than 25 years to become “Temperate” again…!!!

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All’s Well That Ends Well…!!!

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
3. E&OE

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Link to my source blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-phobia.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This story is a revised version of my blog post BREAKING BOUNDS — JAUNDICE AND ICE CREAM posted in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve Blog on Sunday, January 12, 2014 — Posted by me Vikram Karveat 1/12/2014 11:58:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/humor-in-uniform-breaking-bounds.htmlandhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-jaundiced-navy.htmland http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/how-i-became-alcohol-dependent-memories.htmland http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/09/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-orders.htmland http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-phobia.htmlandhttps://karve.wordpress.com/2017/11/09/jaundice-in-uniform-a-memoir-from-my-wonderful-navy-days/andhttps://karve.wordpress.com/2018/10/21/humor-in-uniform-the-jaundice-epidemic-story-from-my-mumbai-navy-days/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/08/19/jaundice-phobia/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/02/10/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-lockdown-2/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/01/27/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-phobia/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2023/03/14/humor-in-uniform-jaundice-lockdown-3/ etc

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

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