Humor in Uniform : Fun with a “Boffin”
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STORY FROM MY “BABU” IN UNIFORM DAYS
Humor by Veteran Vikram Karve
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HUMOR IN UNIFORM
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The perpetual topic of discussion among Military Officers and Veterans is the repeated perceived down-gradation of Defence Services vis-à-vis Civil Services in equivalence, parity for status, pay, rank etc — and the denial of NFU to Defence Services on par with Civil Services, CAPFs, Defence Civilians etc.
It seems that nowadays — Defence Officers seem to be obsessed with issues like status, pay, parity etc.
This was not so in the 1970’s — when we were young Naval Officers.
We believed in a loftier “plane of living”.
So — we didn’t give a tinker’s damn for such mundane issues like status, pay, parity etc.
We had other higher priorities in life.
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The ongoing debates on the Social Media on these Civil-Military Parity issues remind me of this story from my New Delhi Navy Days.
Here is a story of how I handled this Civil-Military Parity issue on ground — as a “Babu” in Uniform.
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MEMOIRS OF A “BABU” IN UNIFORM
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A few years ago — a Civilian “Babu” issued a letter regarding inter-se “equivalence” between Civilian and Military Officers posted to Service Headquarters in New Delhi.
And — many Senior Officers — serving and veteran — went hyper on the Social Media complaining that Defence Officers had been “downgraded” in status vis-a-vis their civilian counterparts.
I get amused when I see excessively Rank-Conscious Senior Military Officers and Veterans who are obsessed with things like “warrant of precedence”, “civil-military equivalence ”, “status/equivalence/ protocol ”, “inter-se seniority” etc
Of course — junior officers and soldiers, sailors, airmen are least bothered about such inconsequential ego hassles — which are mainly “Delhi-Centric” in nature.
As a young officer — I didn’t give a tinker’s damn about things like “warrant of precedence ”, “civil-military equivalence, parity”, “status, equivalence, protocol”, “inter-se seniority” etc.
My only aim was to have a good time — and to enjoy my job in the Navy.
And — in my mind — I considered myself as nothing less than an Admiral.
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During my service — I wasn’t overly rank-conscious at all — and it amuses me when I see that some officers are rank-conscious even after retirement — though military rank has no meaning in civilian life.
While obsession about rank in uniform is bad enough — bickering about inter-se seniority/status/parity with civilians is even worse.
All this “brouhaha” over “civil-military equivalence” reminded me of this story.
This story happened around 42 years ago — in the early 1980’s — when I was a “Babu” in Uniform — “pushing files” in an office in New Delhi…
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SCIENTIST “Z”
Spoof by Vikram Karve
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After slogging for more than 5 years as an officer in the Navy — afloat and ashore — I was “selected” to undergo the “prestigious” two year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi.
On completion of my two years post-graduation (M.Tech.) from IIT Delhi — I was posted to the Military “Babudom” in Delhi — what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”.
Though ostensibly — it was a Research and Development (R&D) billet — in consonance with my recently acquired “M.Tech” qualification — in actual fact — I was a pen-pusher — a “Babu” in Uniform.
I clearly remember the first day I reported to my new job in R&D Headquarters after completing my M. Tech. at IIT Delhi — my first day as a “Babu in Uniform” to push R&D files.
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I reached my office dot on time — at exactly 9 AM.
The moment I entered my office — I saw a man sitting inside.
I noticed that he had picked up the phone and he was dialling a number.
From the way he was dressed — I thought he was a peon or conservancy staff.
Maybe — he was trying to misuse my official phone for his personal calls.
Despite my being smartly dressed in sparkling white Navy Uniform — this man seemed to be ignoring me — and — he continued his phone call.
I got angry.
I roughly took the receiver from his hand — and — I put the receiver back on the telephone instrument.
Then — I told him to get out of my office.
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The man stood up — and — he said to me:
“You talk to me properly.
I am a Scientist “F”…”
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On hearing this — I thought in my mind:
“Scientist “F”…?
The impertinent bugger was only a Scientist “F”…!!!
He must be equivalent to a “Leading Seaman” — or at most — a “Petty Officer”.
Yet — he dared to talk so arrogantly to me — a Naval Officer in uniform…!!!”
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I decided to bullshit the hell out of him — in Navy Style jargon.
So — I gestured rudely with my fingers — and — I told him in “Navy Style” English to get out of my office.
But — the man would not budge.
In fact — he again sat down on the chair.
I lost my temper.
I raised my voice — and — using typical profane Navy Style language — I told the guy in no uncertain terms — to “bugger off…”
Dear Reader — It may not be apt to tell you the exact swear-words, expletives, “four-letter words” — and — the Navy Style Profanities — that I shouted at him.
But — my shouting angrily in rough language had the desired effect on him.
The man was shocked and taken aback by my shouting and abusive language.
He seemed thoroughly shaken up — and — he quickly disappeared from my office.
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A few minutes later — a smartly dressed civilian entered my office.
He was my direct boss — the Joint Director — who I had met only fleetingly when my predecessor had introduced me to him in the Director’s office during my “incoming” interview with the Director.
“Good morning, Sir…” I wished him.
“Good morning, Lieutenant…” he said.
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(Now — a Naval Lieutenant is equivalent to an Army Captain — and those days — you remained in the rank of Lieutenant for 8 long years before you were promoted to Lieutenant Commander — equivalent to Major.
This story happened around 42 years ago — in the early 1980’s — much before the Ajai Vikram Singh (AVS) Report Cadre Review Bonanza in 2004.
Those days — in the 1970’s and 1980’s — you were promoted as Lieutenant after 3 years service as a Naval Officer — and you remained in the rank of Lieutenant for 8 long years — before being promoted as Lieutenant Commander after a total of 11 years of commissioned service)
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Sorry for the digression — Dear Reader.
Story continues…
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Coming back to the story — my immediate Boss — the Joint Director — a Civilian — he entered my office.
So — I wished him:
“Good morning, Sir…”
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He smiled at me.
“Good morning, Lieutenant…” he said.
“Sir — please sit down…” I said.
The Civilian Joint Director pulled a chair.
He sat down — and he smiled at me:
“Everything okay…?” he asked me.
“Yes, Sir …” I answered.
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The Civilian Joint Director said to me:
“There is a thoroughly terrified and shaken up person sitting in my office.
He has almost had a nervous breakdown.
He says that you abused him in filthy language — and — you bullshitted the hell out of him.
What happened…?”
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The Civilian Joint Director said these words — and he looked at me — curious.
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I told the Civilian Joint Director the full story.
Then — I said to the Civilian Joint Director:
“Sir — just imagine — what an impertinent bastard…!!!
He is a “piddly” Scientist “F” — just a bloody Scientist “F”…
But — he was behaving as if he was a Scientist “A” — or a Scientist “B”…!!!
So — I let him have it — nice and proper — and — I threw him out of my office…”
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The Civilian Joint Director burst out laughing.
Then — he looked at me.
“Tell me — what do you think I am…?” he asked me.
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I looked at him — quite clueless.
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The Civilian Joint Director smiled — and he said to me:
“I am also a “Scientist”.
You tell me what “Grade” of “Scientist” do you think I am…?
Tell me — what do you think is my “grade”…?”
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I looked at him — his age and mature demeanour.
And — I thought to myself:
“Surely he could not be a Scientist “A”
If so — he would have been the Director — or maybe — even higher.
At most — he could be a Scientist “B” — or more likely — a Scientist “C”…”
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I concluded that he must be a Scientist “B” — or more likely — a Scientist “C”.
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It was better to err on the safer side — so I said to him:
“Sir — you must be Scientist “B” — or — you must be a very senior Scientist “C” …”
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He smiled — looking amused — and spoke.
“I am a Scientist “E” …” he said.
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I was taken aback — bewildered a bit.
“You are an “E”…!!! Really, Sir…? How can you be a Scientist “E”…?” I exclaimed in surprise.
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The Civilian “Scientist” Joint Director said to me:
“In R&D everything is “Topsy-Turvy”.
In Academics — grade “A” may be higher than grade “B” which is higher than grade “C” and so on…
But in R&D — everything is “ulta-pulta” (topsy-turvy) — in reverse order — so Scientist “F” is higher than Scientist “E” — do you understand…?”
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He explained the topsy-turvy R&D ranks to me.
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“Oh, shit…” I said — after hearing this — feeling contrite at having shouted at the Scientist “F” in my office.
My immediate boss — the Civilian “Scientist” Joint Director spoke.
“The guy you bullshitted is a Senior Scientist “F” — he is equivalent in rank to your Navy Captain or Commodore…” the Civilian Joint Director said to me.
“Sir — I am sorry. Should I apologize to him…?” I said — feeling genuinely sorry for my outburst at the Senior “Boffin” Scientist “F”.
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The Civilian Joint Director said to me:
“You just relax…!!!
At first — I thought of advising you to apologise.
But — on second thoughts — I feel that what you did was the right thing.
Sitting here in Delhi — I think that this is the best way to deal with those buggers from outstation Labs who come here and disturb us.
Now that you have earned a reputation as a “bullshitter” — let your terrible reputation spread — and no one will bother you here…”
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I sat in silence — feeling relieved.
The Civilian Joint Director got up to leave.
He walked to the door.
Then — he turned around — and he said to me:
“And — by the way — there is no rank as Scientist “A”.
In R&D — the alphabet starts with “B” — so — Scientist “B” is the junior-most rank.
You may ask — “why is it so”…?
Why there is no rank of Scientist “A”…?
Well — I don’t know.
So — please don’t ask me…!!!”
With these words he opened the door and walked out of my office.
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EPILOGUE
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At first — I thought that these “Boffin” Scientists were dumb — in having a reverse order of alphabet hierarchy.
But later — I realized that the “Boffins” were much smarter than everyone else.
In particular — these “Boffin” Scientists proved to be much smarter than the straightforward gullible “Faujis” — who were outwitted by the Scientists on most occasions.
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During those days — the senior-most rank was Scientist “F”.
Soon — they created a Scientist “G”.
Later — they had a Scientist “H”.
And — they can endlessly go on and on creating more and more higher ranks:
Scientist “I” — Scientist “J” — Scientist “K”…“L”…“M”…“N”…“O”…“P”…
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They can go all the way down the alphabet — till they create a Scientist “Z” — who may outrank everyone in the Military Hierarchy and Civil Services Bureaucracy.
You never know — but the way their ranks are proliferating — these canny “Boffins” may one day even claim that Scientist “Z” outranks the President, Prime Minister and Ministers too…
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VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
- This story is a fictional spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
- All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/09/humor-in-uniform-scientist-z.html
This Story was written by me Vikram Karve around 12years ago in the year 2013 and was earlier posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on under title SCIENTIST “Z” on Dec 19, 2013 by Vikram Karve at 12/19/2013 03:42:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/humor-in-uniform-scientist-z.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-faujis-babus-and.htmland http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/memoirs-of-babu-in-uniform-story-of.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/07/08/scientist-z-my-first-encounter-with-a-boffin/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/10/07/humor-in-uniform-bullshitting-a-boffin/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/02/22/scientist-z-fun-with-a-boffin/ etc
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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